Lotions and Potions
by Inks Inc
Summary: Science is an art, but it is an exact art. It is a refined and cultivated art. Tony and Tim learn that lesson the hard way and realise that their talents are better placed elsewhere. Completed One-Shot. Warning: Reference to Spanking.


Gibbs' nose wrinkled in marked distaste as he strode through the door of what had once been a perfectly usable guest room. As the years had slipped by at the head of his MCR team, that perfectly usable guest room had been slowly but surely taken over by one very special agent Anthony DiNozzo and the equally very special agent Timothy McGee. To their credit, when they decided to camp out in his place for whatever reason, they generally didn't turn the room into an out an out stink bomb. As the smell hit him square in the jaw, he recoiled and instinctively placed his hand over his nose.

"The hell is going on in here?"

Tony and Tim, both still puffy eyed, glanced at each other from their seated positions on each of their beds. There was no escaping the betrayal of anxiety as they gulped at the question and kept overwhelmingly schtum. Gibbs eyed them closely, the bottled waters he'd brought up warming in his hands. He'd been pretty hard on them. They were pretty damned contrite looking and yet…there was still an air of rule breaking upon the air. Loathe as he'd been to tan both their hides for a prank war that had escalated all the way up to the Director's office, he'd had no choice. Jenny had still been shrieking when he'd dragged the two out of the Navy Yard hours earlier. Neither of the two had really thought about the consequences of scuffling in front of not only their own director, but the visiting Sev Nav to boot.

Gibbs could already feel the headache he would endure tomorrow when she got her claws in him.

"I'll ask one more time," he said quietly, not having the energy to shout. He was physically and mentally exhausted from pulling his boys back in line, and he sure as hell didn't want to open another can of worms with them. "What is going on in here? What is that smell?" He sighed as the acidic stench assailed his nostrils and began to seep slowly but surely into his brain. "Just tell me. Just spit it out real quick so we can move on. I ain't in the mood for another showdown with you two geniuses, so don't try what little patience I have left."

His eyes were watering with the smell.

"Tony? Tim? What is that damned _stench_? And what is it doing in my house?"

The two ducked their heads and Gibbs instantly saw that it wasn't out of stubbornness or nervousness, it was out of embarrassment. Their faces were heating up to nearly the same temperature as their scorched butts. He felt a wave of confusion lap over him. They had been fine when he'd left them to get their breath back, and that had only been half an hour ago. Now…it was like they were fifteen and the girl they liked thought they had the worst breath on the planet. He shook his head slowly, wondering if he would ever sit down and drink a damned beer.

"If I have to ask _one_ more time…I'm going straight back down to the basement for the paddle."

He held up his hand.

"You got to the count of three, the pair of you. If there's something dead in here, I want to know about it."

He glared at them meaningfully and raised a single finger.

"One."

The two young agents glanced at each other in muted horror, each silently begging the other to do what they would rather die than do. Gibbs sighed a sigh that would not have been out of place at a drama camp and held up another finger.

"Two."

Tony felt the wind leave his already deflated sails as the smell caused his eyes to water. He could instantly sense that McGee was in the same boat and felt a stab of sorrow for the kid. But he felt much sorrier for himself. Gibbs always came down the hardest on him and this would be all his fault, he just knew it. The look that was bathing over them was nothing short of homicidal and he knew he had to make or break it in the next second. Tim had seized up with sheer mortification and seemed oblivious to the countdown to imminent death that was going on directly above his damned head.

"If you two don't mind standing at your desks for the next week, then I guess that's your call," Gibbs shrugged, as he prepared to hold up another finger. He was praying to the gods, to the stars to the damned horoscope whack-a-doo's that they wouldn't call his bluff. The thoughts…the very thoughts of having to paddle either of them, never mind both of them again was just too much. He couldn't do it. There was a deathly silence as his bluff wasn't called and as his heart sank right down to his ankles. Wincing as the smell threatened to overtake him entirely, he cleared his throat in concealed horror.

"Thr-"

"Alright, alright!" Tony exclaimed, his voice still throaty from the reluctant crying he had done. "I'll tell you, Boss, alright? I'll tell you…" He drew his knees up to his chin and winced as the movement set his butt alight for the millionth time. Looking desperately over at Tim, he raised a pleading brow. "Unless McGee here wants to? You're better than me with words Probie, use that talent, and say those words."

He morphed his green eyes into plates of near adorable imploration.

When Tim merely reddened further and buried his head into his knees with a squeak of despair, Tony knew he was done. There was no running from it, he was done. Groaning like a feral cat in heat, he looked up at his confused as all hell boss and tried to find the words. "Well…" he hedged uncertainly, "You tore both of us up pretty good…" The look that crossed Gibbs' face had him widening his eyes and blurting out an elaboration. "Not that we didn't deserve it or anything, because we did."

He penetrated a flaming look through McGee's furled up defences.

"Right Tim?"

The sandy brown head nodded fervently, but it didn't emerge from the crook of McGee's arms.

"Your point, Tony?" Gibbs asked quietly, "Because I'm getting very tempted to tear the both of up _pretty good_ again. The longer I stand here and inhale this damned toxin, the more tempted I'm getting." He threw the water to his second in command, who caught both of them agilely. "So how about you just take a deep breath, tell yourself that you're a strong, independent man who don't need no dictionary, _and tell me what the hell is going on in here."_

Tony blanched.

"Well, technically…that's a double negative Boss, which _would_ suggest the need for a-"

"Anthony DiNozzo I swear to _god."_

Tony winced and nodded. "Right," he continued nervously, "Well….long story made short is…uhh, we knew you were going to be ahh…upset, so we…took precautions." He felt the heat in his face increased and he dropped his gaze and spoke to his sheets as Tim groaned in mortification to his left. "Only…we're not really the scientist Abby is…and uhh…it went a little wrong…and smells…very, very bad."

Gibbs' eyes bulged.

"Are you high?" he demanded, "Because let me tell you, if you're high I will-"

"BUTT CREAM."

The entire room seemed to come to an unearthly stand still at the sound of Tim McGee's anguished screech. Tony and Gibbs' mouths fell open at the same time as the youngest occupant raised his flushed face to look at them, misery etched into every line. "Butt cream," he whispered in repetition, "We tried to make the butt cream that Abby makes…it cools and uhh…soothes. But we forgot…or we read the recipe wrong…and it….it…."

He threw his head back down into his knees, not caring that he had just confessed, on behalf of them all, to using artificial means to stem the pain of their occasional sanctions. Murmuring maniacally into his knees, Tim sucked in some air. "It smells bad…and that smell won't leave, by my calculations, for about three hours. But that's…that' not even the worst part…."

Tony flinched at the accuracy of that statement.

Gibbs picked his jaw up off the floor just enough to whisper an astounded "then…what _is_ the worst part?"

Both men looked at him with such misery that he was positively and frantically alarmed.

"What?" he thundered, "Is this stupid concoction of yours life threatening?"

Silence ensued yet again as both men shook their heads.

" _Then what?"_

Glances were exchanged in sheer horror as Tony swallowed deeply. He knew that in its own way, this was karma acting against them, but he never realised what a cruel and unusual beast karma could be. Forsaking his pride and his dignity he spared Tim the indignity of answering and forced himself to peel his lips apart and provide a whisper of explanation.

"It's turned our butts blue."

Silence, raw unadulterated silence swept throughout the room and not even the creaking walls dared to break it. Gibbs felt the wind tickle his tonsils as he gaped at the pair of them, alternating his gaze between them. He stared for the longest time and remained silent for the longest time. Just when both Tony and Tim were fearful that he was having some kind of silent seizure, he broke that silence.

His howls of laughter could be heard all the way down the block.

….

A/N: This is what happens when I'm stuck on the stupid train for an hour. Hope you liked!

_Inks

…..


End file.
